Day 43

"I am the glue of which you may stick. But my honey pot is off limits. Not even the lip or you'll contaminate the sweet nectar...And then what am I going to eat?" Those are the words Lisa spoke and scornfully dissed you all with.

You Exist In Honey Pot Desire.

The Forty Second Day

If you can see me, why can't I see you? I looked so hard down there but all I found was cobwebs and dust...and a little spider and two other critters. When was the last time you opened it up for some fresh air? I found it quite tight and I'm skinny as a rake. Rough too, I got a splinter! No way am I entering your private doorway again. Nope, I don't care if it's in the kitchen floor right in front of the washing machine.

Together We Scream All Alone.

Day 41

How can it be? Thine silk like filth is entering my crack; the hole the devil minions failed to clean up in my kitchen. It seems it is a doorway to another place. You’re Place. How dare you peer in at me?! What if I was breathing? I can't keep my eyes shut forever.

Ant Hills Will Fall.

It Shoulda been Day 40

The garden nymph is the Anal Queen. All bossy and nosey-nose. How dare she say such things, like, "Wash those toes," and "Clean your teeth!" Does she not know my mole is the best? Yes it is. Sitting on my nose so hairy, I love it to bits. But she says "Pluck it" like a filthy duck and so I whipped her up in the milk. Almost like fairy bread, but she tastes like lemons; Lemon Butter is made from anal nymphs!

The Boredom Of Sunshine.

I Give In

All right, I give up. All the hordes of complaints have forced me to rethink my position and get over it, whatever it is. I will write again starting tomorrow after the sun has risen, for I refuse to let it burn my eyes as it's rays of death and blindingness stretch through the window pain.

I Must Remember To Comb The Fly.

Day 39

Teddy Bear, Sweet
Awe, look at the shmookems

I was always scared
To be mean,
For I was told
They move when not seen.

You leave the room
And they come alive.
Do not be mean
They do not die.

When you sleep,
You close your eyes.
Your Lifeless Toys,
They come alive.

If you were mean,
Sharp nails they grow,
Teddy Bear Slash!
Bits fly - To and Fro.

© 2004 A Twig-Like Hermit

Day 38

I waited and waited for you to find me, but you did not come. I shall not blame you for I know you tried your hardest... I am just too good at hiding, am I not? Oh, happy days poor from my retched eye sockets. I was right there in my lounge room! Yes, you could not have guessed! There I waited behind that mouldy bush that broke its way through the wall to claim my once wonderously dusty and over-excited corner. You will have to look with your eyes next time :)

Gobble, Gobble Went The Turkey.

The Thirty Seventh Day

Today I am hidden behind a tree. If I am not there, it's because your at the wrong tree.

Brush The Grass With A Rake.

The 36th Day

I walked out too early today. It was noon and I thought I heard him go by earlier. But I was at the letterbox when I saw that familiar form; BigBird was hooning up my street to greet me. Instead of screaming and running all scared, I breathed. Then I sat down, squatting, behind the terribly deformed olive tree of hideous stench emissions. As he [the postie] arrived, I peered around. He could not see me... That was until a damn gremlin like Garden Nymph tugged on my nipple, sending screeching pains of death-lines all over my body. I howled so loud I think he noticed my invisible presence. I'm sure he put a hex out to get me, but I shunned it away with ease. I will think a further three times before I allow nymphs to play scabble in my after dinner scraps again!

Razor Ears To Slice My Bread.

Day 35

I found it there, attached to my window. Stuck there like it was suction capped or glued. It was Lisa, The Lizard Fairy. “Go Away” I croaked as I’d only just crawled out of bed, “I want none of your shenanigans around here!” But she did not leave. Instead she began to pulsate for a minute or two; the window sill vibrating like crazy. I was in horrified shock. Was it dying? Was I going to have a dead Lizard fairy on my hands?? Eeewwwwwe. No way! If it dies , I’ll use the tongs while I protect my skin wearing my swimming goggles, shower cap, dish-washing gloves, my lab coat and gumboots wrapped in plastic bags; Of course I would sanitise myself with Glen20 first…maybe the lizard too.
But then she stopped and began to sparkle instead. I was in awe, it was so pretty. She screeched “I’m so horny!” I paused. Then, staring at the “Lisa,” I said “I see no horns…” But before I could finish she yelled “My finger tingles, I wanna touch my honey pot!” That was that, I got out the hell swatter and forcefully slapped the window pane hard. Flimsily she flopped away leaving a disgustingly dirty honey-like dribble of ooze behind.

Galloping Horses Nibble The Branch.

Day 34

T’was a fairy in my garden. It sang all day and all night, such a wondrous, peaceful song. But there were times she was loud and shrill, so high pitched and out of tune. It shattered my glasses, giving me broken eye disease! So I knocked her on the head; before I decided to squish her beneath my feet.

Fairy's Rash Near Toadstool Leaves.

The 33rd Day (Face Walk Time!)

My all time longest most awesomely wicked sentences of doom I can not share. Nope, they will literally rip your eyeballs out and invert them before your brain expands to an eventual explosion. You don't want that, it's painful. But I will, like I promised, share the secrete of Facial Bipedalism and you will become masters of this awesome walk I shall teach you. Maybe I'll give you a snipet of the doom sentences, enough that will satisfy you and not do too much harm... I'll see what I can do. But for now: The Face Walk

1. Place your face against a desk or wall (floors and ceilings do just fine if you must) And just have your nose and your chin touching.
2. Tilt your head up so your nose is not touching the filthy surfaces anymore.
3. Open your mouth (Keep you chin in it's spot so you may need to drag your carcas a little)
4. PLace your nose back on the germ infested surface (Yes, with your mouth still open).
5. Lift your chin part up.
6. Close your mouth and place your chin back on the ground.
7. Repeat to make additional face steps.

Wow, it feels so good! You can go practice it now and come back later. If you want, you can figure out how to walk backwards and sidewards and all around if you want... Go on, I know you wanna.

A Jacket For Me.

Day 32

I was not impressed by the amazing feats little critters do to gain my attention. I know, I'm like a God to them; those devilishly tiny things I so uncareingly murder before happy hour. I get to play snap for a whole hour by myself each day! But those spiders. Those death spiders, they encase all things I needs to get to. Once I had a whole gaggle of disgusting RedBacks nesttled on my pillow. Their poo just rolling over into my face. Anyway, snap is so much fun. I really love that game. But seriously, A baby spider bungie-jumped right onto my face and I have had enough. Out with the flyspray, I was, screaming "Prepare for ultimate destruction and mercyless doom you filthy death creatures from the unknown cracks of worlds beyond [breathing occured here]. AAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" And now I have a mass graveyard in my lounge room.

Their Souls Will Come For Me, For I Murdered Them.

A New Beginning (Day 31)

There it stands, between my toes. Light; it won’t escape. Worse than a Midget holding a hardened cheese dagger of filth. Like some festy worm that tried to impregnate the darkened in-between places. For all is not lost. I shall reclaim my toe spaces and never more eat another banana again. Its hideous inner-outer shell flopped away from view, only to find refuge between my big toe and the other one that resides there. Can you believe the nerve? God, it was all slimy and gross. When I pulled it out, it was like something so hideously terrifying that it terrified the hideously unknown malformations of society.

Sheeps Can't Go On Strike.

The Battle Is Not Over

I'm sorry; they began oozing their dirty essence out of the crack-hole again. God they stink, like ants I tell you. I want to curse and squish them but nothing seems to work. I tried an incinerating spell I concocted made of paprika, pepper, lemon juice and Portuguese chicken seasoning...but no, they want to live. Maybe you can tell me where I went wrong? How do you kill off a Troll battalion wielding slicing pain aching swords made of hardened cheese off-cuts?

Padded Lining.

I Survived Month One (Barely)

A battalion awaited me. They destroyed every last utensil in the kitchen before my arrival. I think they ate them, I'm not sure. Anyways, I was calmly walking to the fridge; I needed some heavenly milk. I love milk. And I calmly (I said no dirt and grime covered lies) flung those filthy Trolls out of my way, sending them flying in the most glorious flight trip they did ever experience...to come face to face with their own impending doominess of doom. They were flung into the walls and cupboards. And well they got angry didn't they. Those filthy fiendish little beasts leapt from all around; I fell to the ground. But luckily my awesome doggy of all scruffy scruff nipped at their enormously hideous ears of hairy poopcorn filth.

I was saved :)

The Twenty Ninth Day

A hole burst its way through the crack in my kitchen floor last night. I was all cosy in bed, rugged up clutching my "Mr Bean Bear" teddy, when all of a sudden I heard it. The extreme scary crazyness of it could come from no one else but a hideously deformed RatChild of a devil monkey. It was a sneeze. Interupting my sleep, how dare they be so rude?! I twirled out of bed to find myself in the hallway saying "God bless you," when it burst into flames, flomp-flinging itself all over the place squealing like a screaming pidgeon. Now I have a burnt sausage-like thing and a big mess to clean up... What a wonderous thing that will be.

Tsunami Is A Beaver.